Saturday, March 25, 2006

We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Blog Entry....

I am going on vacation....just for a few days. A vacation unlike any I have taken before in my married life. Separate vacations!!! *gasp*

Actually, my family is being divvied up in 3rds. One third is flying to Arkansas. One third is going to Utah to visit their dad and I am flying in an internet friend to spend several quality days doing things grown women never get to do or at least never talk about publicly. errrr, just kidding!

Monday, March 20, 2006

I'm Sorry....

What does that mean? I mean really... we say it all the time. We say it to our kids when they tell us about their headache, "Gosh, I am sorry...take an asprin, lay down." We say it to the lady at the supermarket "Ooops, didn't see you there, I am sorry." I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So much so that the word itself has lost it's intensity.

Sometimes we say it for alternative reasons. Sometimes we say we are sorry simply because we want to put it aside and get on with things. Sometimes we say we are sorry because we are... except we are sorry for getting caught but not for the actual transgression. The word catches our offendee off guard and we slide passed that into forgiveness. Forgiveness we certainly do not deserve.

What happens when you really hurt someone? When you rattle their souls, make them white hot behind their eyes. When you realize you have touched them in a way that you never meant to, never planned to, never want to do again... what then? I'm sorry? It just doesn't sound like enough. It sounds trite. Contrived even. As if you have been rehearsing for the time you need to have it handy. We have made it too easy of a word to use to fill in the awkward moments. We need something more. Something that when spoken it fills in the hole we have dug inside the heart of someone. But do we have one?

look at the first example:

apologetic, attritional, compunctious, conscience-stricken, contrite, guilt-ridden, melted, penitent, penitential, regretful, repentant, self-accusing, self-condemnatory, self-reproachful, shamefaced, softened, touched...

doesn't it strike you that "sorry" is so very much a "self related" feeling? Yes, most of us arrive here because the other person is hurting but it sure does seem alot like we are still putting our feelings about needing to be loved and forgiven over the person who we have actually damaged.

So how do we tell them that we understand we were responsible for a public humiliation? How do we tell them that we are embarrassed that we took them, this person we hold in such high regard, love, cherish and set them out on display for the world to have a shot? How do you ever pull them back safely? Why would they ever allow us to?

And what if they make it even harder by continuing to love us even after we have inflicted this? How will we ever be brave enough to look at them in the eye again knowing that even though we own the broken heart that beats in their chest, they still value us? That our horrible deed did not lose our place inside their heart? There has got to be a word for this overwhelming appreciation.

Words can be the enemy. They are fraught with limitations. With suppositions. And so I have come full circle. I have no "right" word. I struggle with the need to show my shame over misdeeds. How will I ever make you understand? I fall back to the old standby, "I am so very sorry". And in the minutes afterward, after releasing that throw rug of a word, I pray that you hear something deeper, more meaningful.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Lives and Deaths of Celebrities

Well, its happened again. I woke up this morning with the news of Dana Reeve's death from lung cancer. Rest in Peace Mrs. Reeve.

I felt an odd sting rise up and tears briefly showed themselves. Odd because I didn't really know her yet I feel the loss. In this age of media saturation we all feel as if we know people that many years ago we would have never known existed. The world is a much smaller place now. With the internet and the wealth of information we have at our fingertips I suppose it is to be expected. Being human we yearn for connection to others. And I suppose in some cases we use it to distract ourselves from the emotions or the situations in front of us. Much like getting involved in a good book and crying for the heroine's lost love or her beautiful/horrible death.

The lives and deaths of several well known personalities have affected me deeply. John Ritter, David Bloom , Ronald Reagan... also Ellen DeGeneres, who at last check is alive and kicking, I am sure she will be relieved to know this.

Dana Reeve: she spent a very long time lovingly caring for her disabled spouse. I felt she deserved some quiet time from such activities once Christoper died. It stung my sense of "fair" when she was diagnosed with cancer. And lung cancer is something which I have had experience with. I cringed when I heard the diagnosis. Having lost my mother to this very thing I remember far too well what it looks like. When I heard the news this morning I remembered far too well what it feels like to lose someone to it. And pray that another loved one in the family will beat this bitch of a disease so that my children will never have to know what I know. What the Reeve's family knows this morning.

John Ritter: I was stunned. I felt like I lost a big brother. At the very least a big red dog.

David Bloom: I actually cried out loud that morning. Men and women were dying left and right and I cried over an anchorman dying in his sleep in the deserts of Iraq. I vacillated between despair and guilt for tears I felt were a bit gratuitous. I loved looking at his face. He had a nice face. Loving, happy and warm. The kind everyone deserves to have in their lives.

Ronald Reagan: I came into politics voting for this man. I didn't know much about politics, I was only 18 and more concerned about if my butt looked too big in my new jeans. But there was something about him that made me feel connected. That my life was bigger, greater than just my butt. I believe to this day that he was a great man. Throughout the years I often thought about Nancy and prayed that she could be strong. I prayed that he wouldn't suffer. When he died. I cried for a week. I cried for the years they had lost together while still being together. I cried because I felt the world was a bit less without this man. And I cried as Nancy kissed his casket. Sweet, raw, real. I turned away at that point. I felt I was intruding in a private matter between a woman and her partner.

favorite quotes:

"Let us resolve tonight that young Americans will always ... find there a city of hope in a country that is free.... And let us resolve they will say of our day and our generation, we did keep the faith with our God, that we did act worthy of ourselves, that we did protect and pass on lovingly that shining city on a hill." — Election Eve speech, Nov. 3, 1980

"I hope you're all Republicans." -March 30, 1981 (to surgeons as he entered the operating room following his assassination attempt)

God now that is funny...which is a perfect seque to the last person on my list...

Ellen DeGeneres: Who again... IS NOT DEAD.
We as a nation were torn into little pieces. We were all milling about afraid for the future, afraid there was no future. Unsure if and how to get up and get on with things. She walked out onto that stage that night and I burst out laughing... for a minute I was a bit shocked at myself, should I really be laughing? Her answer was a resounding YES! Thank you Ellen Degeneres you helped me find my humor again. This one picture says it all....
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So for what it's worth, these people feel like my extended family. They hold value in my heart. Weird? Maybe. They all made/make me feel things that are important to me. I mourn the losses and celebrate living (ie Ellen who My world is a softer place for "knowing" and loving these people.

Rest in Peace dear ones.
Ellen, you're still here so please make me laugh...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Roses Fade...

A lifetime of winters,
plotting the path of the sun.
futile some say,
for roses fade so fast.

With faith and my fingertips,
I tend cold sleeping soil.
futile some say,
for roses fade so fast.

Rejoicing at first bloom,
sprinkling ladybugs and wishes.
futile some say,
for roses fade so fast.

Bloodied hands,
they bite and scratch me.
futile some say,
for roses fade so fast.

I bleed, I tend, I believe,
to spend one splended moment,
close to God's perfect beauty.
not futile! that roses fade so fast.
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